Whether a date's spontaneous or planned, the first or the last date, or you're young or old, sooner or later, going out with someone comes to this: Somebody has to ask for the date.
No matter how much or how little you plan (and regardless of your reputation, your Aunt Sylvia, the knot in your stomach, the advice of your friends, your New Year's resolution, or your success with dating or lack thereof) nobody, with the possible exception of Adam, dating.com scam ever made a date without asking for it. I bet that even with God as the go-between, sooner or later Eve expected Adam to pony up and find the courage to ask if they could take a walk in Paradise, and if he didn't, well, it explains a lot about the snake, don't you think?
Face it, the only thing scarier than the first date is asking for the first date. But if you can remember that you're not looking for a cure for cancer, that you won't die even if he or she says "yes," and that life as we know it will continue no matter what your potential date's response, dating.com review you may relax enough to actually (gulp) ask for a date.
Gazillions of perfectly normal (and lots of less than normal) people have all gotten nervous about asking for a date. You and I and everybody else are connected to a long line of sweating, nervous, stuttering, tongue-tied souls, and even the slick ones feel anxious on the inside about dating.com scam asking for a date. Do you feel better? No? Well, I was afraid of that. Never fear - in this chapter, I tell you some things that should comfort you in the asking, help you in the consummation, and protect you from any possible devastation beyond a teensy pinch on the ego.
The First Rule to asking for a date is this: No guts, no glory. The worst-case scenario is that the prospective date says no. At that point, you're no worse off than you are at this very moment.
Rejection is definitely not fun, but dating.com review a rejection is only one person's opinion of you. You don't like everyone, and not everyone is going to like you. If someone says no, then he or she misses out on getting to know how truly terrific you are.
Rejection can be the beginning of opportunity. Scads of hugely successful people just wouldn't take no for an answer. dating.com scam Think about Fred Astaire: When he first went to Hollywood, a talent scout wrote, "Big ears, too skinny, big nose, can dance a little." Many famous beauties and stars in many fields had to cope with someone's negative opinion of them - nobody hasn't faced rejection.
The question is: Are you going to let it get you down? Of course not! Alexander the Great probably conquered the world by the age of 30 because some shortsighted lass turned him down - maybe because he was too intense or short or something. Maybe that rejection made him want to make more than most
Grecians earn. (It's a pun; say it out loud - but definitely don't use it until the fourth or fifth date or after you're married or your last kid leaves for college or your hearing has gone.)
Rejection means that that person says no but not that everyone will. You need to realize when no is no, when someone's showing absolutely no interest. If someone consistently says no dating.com review when you ask for a date, it's okay to say, "Look, I hear that you're not interested, and I don't want to be a pest. If you ever change your mind, here's my number," or "I'll call you in a year," but then for heaven's sake, don't call any sooner than that. With time, the sting really does go away.
Conversely, if you really don't want to go out with someone, don't say, "Maybe" or "Call me next week." Just say, "Thank you for asking, but it's just not possible." Remember that the world is a very small place. You may change your mind, or that person you turn down may marry your best friend or be in a position to hire you someday. There is no reason to ever hurt someone whose only sin is being interested in you, so be gentle but firm.
Rejection isn't gender specific. It's not any easier for guys to face rejection than it is for women. dating.com scam We've just programmed men for power, and asking someone out is boss, even if the whole experience is tinged with fear. Either sex can feel more powerful by taking the initiative and asking someone out.
A brush-off with style
The coolest rejection I ever got was from a guy who told me that he'd just gotten a call from an old girlfriend. He said, "She's reemerged in my life, and I need to see where it goes. I'll either marry her and invite you to the wedding, or I'd like to finally put it to rest. dating.com review No matter what happens, I'd like to be able to call you." Cool, huh?
Biology has nothing to do with the ability to tolerate possible rejection. Women, if you've never asked a guy out, you should do it for your own liberal education. Guys love it. However, they may think you're hotter to trot (sexually) than you really are, so take that into consideration.
If you're afraid of rejection, you may miss out on a lot in this life, which is pretty darned short as it is. See if you can put that angst away, take the chip off your shoulder, and go for it.
Improving Your Odds
When asking for a date, having a plan is crucial, but you've got to stay a little loose. The more structured you are, the more dependent you are on meshing well with a stranger. Therefore, you need to read the signs, stay loose, and keep things light, flexible, and open. dating.com scam You can seriously improve the chances of getting a yes if you keep these tips in mind when you ask for a date.
Never ask for a first date for a Friday or Saturday night
These two main, big, serious date nights are too important a place to start. Asking for a first date on a Friday or Saturday is like playing at Wimbledon without a tennis lesson or having ever played on grass or at all. Even people who don't have dates and haven't had one for ages are often loathe to admit their plight to a stranger (and if you haven't had a first date, you're still strangers).
Start off with a Wednesday or Thursday night, which are nights when people generally don't have much planned. Also avoid Mondays like the plague. Everybody hates Mondays.
Never say, "Would you like to go out sometime?"
If you phrase the invitation like this and the askee says "no," you've left yourself absolutely no out except to be swallowed up by a prayed-for earthquake.
If the person says "yes," you still have to ask him or her out. Yikes. Instead, be specific. It's much better to say, "I'd love to see the new exhibit at the museum. Any interest in going either Wednesday or Thursday?" You offer a specific opportunity (as well as alternative days) and at the same time, you give your potential date a great deal of room in which to negotiate without sounding wishy-washy or desperate. dating.com review Giving specifics also allows your potential date a couple of seconds to think about it, rather than getting caught completely off guard.
Always offer options about the date
Options can include the day, time, activity, and transportation. Options make you sound organized without being bossy or rigid, as long as you keep them limited. Offering a few choices at the outset makes you sound less panicky than you would if you were to offer them after the potential date says no to your initial suggestion.
If you're specific about the date and your potential date doesn't like the suggested activity but does like you, you can modify your plan.
Also, although a plan with several separate possibilities requires more work on your part, it offers a better chance of success - and a chance to figure out whether your potential date has any interest in you. After all, if you've offered all options regarding place, time, date, activity, and so on and the answer is still no, the problem is as clear as the writing on the wall, and you've hit the wall. Take a deep breath and move on. It's not the end of the world, just this potential date. Scary but efficient.
By offering to meet there, go in separate cars, or pick her up, you instantly show yourself to be considerate, capable, and sensitive to the fact that females have heard horror stories about being abducted by a date and never seen again.Although you're not Jack the Ripper, understanding that she may feel a little uneasy about being in a car with a stranger makes you a liberated and cool guy for thinking like a modern woman. You will score major points.
In the initial stages of dating, people sometimes want so much to be liked that they agree to things at the expense of their integrity. If your potential date has enough sense to say, "I'd love to do something with you, just not mud wrestling," then give that person a gold star. Don't be offended - be pleased. You have just found someone with brains, courage, and honesty.
Remember that timing is everything
Don't ask for tomorrow or next year. A basic rule is to ask for a first date a week to ten days in advance, but you can break this rule with impunity as the need arises. You can ignore these guidelines if the spirit moves you to be spontaneous. For example, "Hey, got time for an ice cream cone?" can get you an immediate yes; you can also expand this invitation to a "maybe next week" if you get a no.
Now is always a better time to ask than later because your courage may diminish over time. There are some obvious exceptions to this rule: Don't ask someone who is in a crisis (never ask for a date at a funeral), just getting out of a relationship (never ask for a date at a divorce hearing, even if the person isn't one of the parties involved; it's bad karma), or going through any other experience when you may appear to be exploiting a weakness. You need to take the other person's life situation into account as well.